Today’s post is a guest post from Stefanie Norlin. She’s an accomplished editor and writer, with articles published for big-names like Christianity Today and SheLoves. I am so pleased she’s sharing her infertility story here today. (Please be aware that this post contains pictures of Stefanie’s baby).
I always wanted to have a big family. When my husband and I went on our first date, I leaned close to him in the crowded concert hall and told him I wanted three or four kids, including the babies that I planned to adopt and foster. I needed to know that we wanted the same things from life: family vacations to Disney World and handmade Valentines, finger paint and baby-wearing and ratty security blankets, a crossover full of car seats, and later, camping gear.
This was all, of course, before my gynecologist referred me to a specialist.
I’d been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome by my family doctor as a teenager, but he reassured me that I’d have no trouble conceiving when I was ready. Unfortunately by the time I married my husband in my late twenties, I only had a period every three to four months and needed to induce it with medication, which made that probability unlikely. Still, I felt certain we’d be pregnant within the year if I just decided to pay a little bit more attention to my irregular cycle.
Then, in an unrelated surgery around that time, my gynecologist discovered that I had a septate hymen and sent me to a specialist for additional testing, including an MRI, transvaginal ultrasound and sonohysterogram. The results confirmed a rare uterine malformation, and suddenly, I was at risk for infertility, higher miscarriage rates and premature birth, if we were able to carry a baby at all.
When I received the news, I felt devastated. I remember sitting in our leather recliner for days in the dark, eating chicken soup out of Styrofoam takeout cups and watching reruns of Grey’s Anatomy. I vacillated between feeling anger and guilt over my body’s inadequacies, and saw the family we’d always dreamed of slipping out of my grasp. I began to view God as someone who was both intimately cruel and impossibly distant — the type of god who dangled goodness in front of me, only to snatch it away and disappear. I stopped going to church, reading the Bible and praying almost completely. It was one of the darkest times of my life. So mama, if you’re reading this and still not pregnant, I’ll sit in the dark with you.
Given these two diagnoses, my husband and I decided to start infertility treatments right away. Our reproductive endocrinologist recommended Clomid first before moving on to injected hormones like Gonal-F and Follistim to trigger ovulation for timed intercourse. When those treatments didn’t work, he suggested we skip IUIs completely and start IVF so we could make the most of the capped insurance benefits that I had under my health insurance.
With such a big decision looming, my husband and I decided to take a few months away from treatment in order to think about our next steps. We spent time seeking guidance from trusted friends and family. We started doing check-ins with each other in an effort to become more transparent with how we were feeling. Very slowly, I began to pray again. This was also when I discovered my infertility internet tribe: I found this blog and went through the “31 Days of Prayer During Infertility,” which was instrumental in rejuvenating my faith life. I started listening to the Sarah’s Laughter infertility podcast. I also read “Every Bitter Thing is Sweet,” by Sara Hagerty, which led me to begin practicing the spiritual discipline of Adoration in my everyday life. Each of these resources helped me to feel supported and encouraged during a time where I desperately needed both.
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Ultimately, we decided to move forward with IUIs before going onto IVF and became pregnant with our daughter on the third cycle. With testing and surgery and infertility treatments, it took us just short of three years before having our daughter. She is a miracle in every sense of the word: born at 34 weeks and 5 days, she came prematurely but was ultimately healthy.
Many thanks to Stefanie for sharing her infertility story. You can read more of her work or connect with her on Twitter. Please leave her a comment to let her know you appreciate her!
First image courtesy of UnSplash. Creative Commons Zero License. Other images courtesy of Stefanie Norlin.
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