This post is a guest post from Chelsea. She blogs over at Trials Bring Joy. I’ve followed her blog for years, and I had the joy of spending a few days with her in San Francisco back in September 2015 for the Fertility IQ Basecamp, right before her fifth IVF transfer (photo below). Several of us in attendance gathered in her hotel room one afternoon and laid hands on her, asking God to bless her final transfer. We were overjoyed a few weeks later when we found out she was expecting twins!
Please be aware that this post contains pictures of Chelsea’s babies. We understand that this post may be painful for some of you who are still waiting, and we understand if you need to skip this one. But we chose to publish it because we know that others of you will be encouraged by Chelsea’s story and that it will give you hope. I’m grateful to her for letting me publish it.
Today is a new day. I take one last sip of my coffee and set it on the table, shut off the monitor, say a prayer to God to go before us into the day, and open the nursery door.
My voice sings out over the squeals.
Good morning babies! Thank you, Jesus, for another day! Mommy is so happy to see you, Kirsten! Mommy is so happy to see you, Logan! I love you both soooo much.
These are the days, the moments, the words, that I prayed to say for nearly a decade. And here I am today, padding my slippered feet into the nursery that stood empty for so long. It’s the greatest gift and blessing I could have ever imagined. My boy / girl twins, Logan and Kirsten, are my real life answers to prayers and there they are, standing and waiting for me in their cribs. My heart skips a beat.
Infertility did a number on my heart over the years. It broke me, put me back together, strengthened my faith, increased my desperate need for my Savior, helped me learn to communicate, and made me numb and then made me feel every emotion in the world – typically on the same day. It taught me what it means to hand my burdens over to God and it taught me how to pray – openly, honestly, and with raw, unedited emotion.
And then, the miracle came. After our fifth IVF transfer, after our third miscarriage, and after nearly giving up hope, but feeling the call to pursue a cycle one more time, the answer came. Our twins. Our little miracles.
And then the hat of infertility fell away and was replaced by a new hat, motherhood. A hat I had prayed for years to wear, and one that felt so foreign to me, yet so natural.
Becoming a mother after years of suffering from infertility has been the most beautiful and disorienting thing. It has taught me how much to savor every single moment. It has given me a perspective that I would never have had if I hadn’t suffered as much to get here. It has taught me that the hard days, the days filled with tears, puke, poop, and wails, are the greatest days of all. These hard days are the days I would have given ANYTHING to experience as a woman in the wait. I celebrate the puke. God gave me the chance to care for these little babies! God BLESSED me with the opportunity to cuddle my little boy as his teeth cut through. God allows me to wipe dirty butts, wash another set of spit-up covered sheets, and crawl on my hands and knees as I clean up another dinner from under the highchairs. This physical exhaustion I feel as I fall into bed at night is incomparable to the emotional exhaustion of wondering if our time will ever come.
Infertility has given me perspective. Perspective on how short these days are. Perspective on how much others are praying for this normal day I am living. Perspective that I am living in the presence of two miracles each day.
Ironically enough, infertility has also taught me about my identity. So often, I think I felt like I wore the title of “infertile”. You know, the “couple that can’t have a baby”. It felt like it was stamped on my forehead and then when I became a mother, I realized that “infertile” was never a title I was meant to wear. And even now, “mother” isn’t the title I am to wear either. First and foremost, I am a child of the King of Kings, which means my identity is rooted in who HE says I am.
I love this list that Joyce Meyers shares and now, every day, I remind myself this is who I am, more so than any other experience I have lived or role I am playing. These truths I carry into my role of motherhood:
- I have the mind of Christ (1 Corinthians 2:16; Philippians 2:5).
- I have the peace of God that passes all understanding (Philippians 4:7).
- I have the Greater One living in me; greater is He Who is in me than he who is in the world (1 John 4:4).
- I have no lack for my God supplies all of my need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19).
- I can do all things through Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:13).
- I am God’s workmanship, created in Christ unto good works (Ephesians 2:10).
- I am more than a conqueror through Him Who loves me (Romans 8:37).
- I am the temple of the Holy Spirit; I am not my own (1 Corinthians 6:19).
- I am called of God to be the voice of His praise (Psalm 66:8; 2 Timothy 1:9).
- I am greatly loved by God (Romans 1:7; Ephesians 2:4; Colossians 3:12; 1 Thessalonians 1:4).
- I am strengthened with all might according to His glorious power (Colossians 1:11).
- For God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, love, and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7).
Infertility has made me a better parent, hands down. I never thought I would ever say I am thankful for infertility, but here I stand, utterly thankful for how I was broken and restored. How in it, He was glorified.
If you are still in the wait, let me encourage you in the fact that God sees you. He has never left your side and has never abandoned you. He is teaching you so much about His character in these moments, lean into His sweet care and continue to seek Him above all else. Remind yourself that your identity is rooted in Him, not in a word or a diagnosis. You are His, chosen, loved, special, redeemed.
And after the blinds are pulled up and the curtains are opened, our day begins. And there’s not a minute I am not aware of the tears that led us to this very moment. And I humbly know just how blessed we are. Thank you, Jesus.
Chelsea is a Midwestern girl who loves connecting with others about infertility, motherhood, and living authentically. She’s been married to Josh for almost 13 years and recently welcomed twins, Kirsten and Logan, to their family after nearly a decade of waiting and loss. Chelsea loves a good cup of coffee, a cozy bookshop and mindless reality TV. She co-authored a 6 week woman’s devotional called “In the Wait“, which helps women lean into God while living intentionally in seasons of waiting. She values engaging her faith and embracing difficult seasons with joy. You can find her on her blog, Facebook, and on Instagram.
