Today’s post is a guest post from a reader who wishes to remain anonymous. In recent months, I have received messages from more than one woman who is struggling with childlessness due to sexual dysfunction in her marriage. This is something that is not often talked about, especially in Christian circles.
Those of us who grew up in the church, and especially those who grew up at the height of the youth purity-culture, often heard that message that if we waited to have sex until marriage, everything would be fine. We would enjoy amazing, problem-free sex because we adhered to God’s plan for sexuality.
But we didn’t hear that even if we waited, sex might still be difficult. It might be painful, and it won’t always be fun. Consequently, many Christians, virgins on their wedding nights, are completely surprised and shocked when things don’t go as planned. As someone who went to a Christian college and had many friends who were virgins on their wedding night, I heard dozens of stories of painful, difficult, and even unconsummated wedding nights. For many of my friends, it took a long time to learn how to deal with it, and they often dealt with it alone.
I’m publishing this post because I hope it will bring comfort to anyone else who is dealing with this in their marriage. I also post it because I think it’s important to bring it to light and to make it less taboo. Couples who are waiting until marriage need to be aware of this issue and know they are not alone and where to turn if it happens to them. The post is a little longer than usual and will be split into two parts. But I think it deserves space here.
I’m grateful to the reader who gave me permission to post this.
Sexual Dysfunction Exists
Often hidden in bedrooms there is a tribe of warriors who live with sexual dysfunction. The raw truth of this is that their marriages can remain unconsummated. Sexual dysfunction prevents sexual intercourse from taking place.
Experienced in various forms by both males and females it is a devastating manifestation of the brokenness in our world. Encompassing conditions such as erectile dysfunction and vaginismus, sexual dysfunction can be seasonal or enduring. Information about potentially beneficial treatment options is increasingly accessible thanks to the internet, but you have to recognise it for what it is before you can name it. We are not experts, but we are unfortunately veterans who have clocked up nearly two decades of experience in this field. We trust that as we share what we have learned, you may gain valuable insight towards helping yourselves and others.
Sexual Dysfunction is an Intruder
Most couples are blissfully unaware of sexual dysfunction until its frightening presence makes itself known on the honeymoon. It doesn’t wait to introduce itself softly but muscles right in, ruining the long-awaited uniting of two in one flesh.
The enduring kind takes root, simply refusing to leave. Young, naïve and inexperienced, we were completely bemused by the unfolding tragedy, clueless as to what was happening to us and why. As we were getting to know each other deeper in this new stage of our relationship as a married couple we were overwhelmed by this intruder. Our young relationship barely had the roots to survive conversations about sexual dysfunction. How would you start one anyway with your newly married spouse, especially when you don’t know anything about what you need to talk about?
Sexual Dysfunction Runs Deep
The enduring form which turned up unannounced in our lives has since been identified as having psychological roots. Interplay between the body and the mind overrides the wills of the couple and prevents intercourse from taking place by disabling the body from performing its natural functions. The individual concerned may or may not be aware of or able to identify the emotional trauma or pain, or the perspective on sexual intercourse which the mind perceives as a threat.
Counseling endeavors to address this. When it first happened to us, we were aeons away from being able to access any form of counseling. Through desperation and maturity we have arrived in a safe place where, exposing ourselves to each other and to a few well placed trusted confidants, we have in our vulnerability sought to understand the sexual dysfunction we experience. While the source remains unfathomable we have begun to understand and address the patterns of behavior we see.
Sexual Dysfunction Breeds
Sexual dysfunction breeds sexual dysfunction. Performance anxiety kicks in straight away, exacerbating the situation. One failure leads to another and another. Pathways in the mind-body interaction become well worn and established so that’s where the next thoughts follow on. Before you know it you are in an enduring situation you can see no way out of. The obvious consequence of not being able to make love is that you are not able to have children. There is no emotional roller coaster of month by month wondering and waiting. There is no hope. Ever. Just hopelessness. And heartbreaking, enduring, silent grief and loss expressed in the shedding of countless tears.
Sexual Dysfunction Loves Darkness
Sexual dysfunction does not reside alone. Accompanying it are dark feelings of humiliation and shame. Then there’s fear. And guilt. First, you feel humiliated and ashamed in front of your spouse. We felt stupid, totally stupid. What didn’t we get? How could we not manage to make love when it’s such a straightforward every day part of our design?
The existence of such negative feelings of inadequacy at the heart of this closest of relationships is unhealthy. Imagining building a brick wall between you one brick at a time may be a helpful way to conceptualize this. This tendency towards covering and hiding is completely understandable but isn’t conducive to talking honestly about the ongoing trauma. The fear of anyone else finding out about the dysfunction is paralyzing and often felt too much to even contemplate. It had to be kept hidden at any cost. Sexual dysfunction is so isolating. This must only be happening to me out of everyone in the world was often given air-time in our thoughts. Confiding in another has always felt like a betrayal of the marriage. Guilt too is so harmful. Thinking this is all my fault or I must have done something worthy of this punishment slowly destroys the person as they shrink away from the pain. We resorted to ignoring the elephant in the room, pretending it wasn’t there.
Sexual Dysfunction is Very Destructive
In this context it comes as no surprise that sexual dysfunction destroys marriages. Many marriages. The disconnect it creates between spouses can feel unbearable. Turning to escapism in its various forms proves futile, only bringing more pain. Continually trying to make love is bitter sweet. When you taste the bitter you try anesthetizing yourself from the pain by not trying very often. Love making decreases in frequency to barely ever. Loving relationships within marriages were designed to be nurtured by this expression of physical intimacy. You need the sweet moments when you give your best. So this solution fails. Escaping from the pain by escaping from the relationship can sound like an attractive solution, making the best of a bad job. Following lustful inclinations to seek sexual satisfaction elsewhere can range from fantasizing to using pornography to engaging in extra-marital affairs. Nothing would put a marriage in jeopardy as this would. Escapism via uncontrolled comfort eating leads to unhappiness through obesity. Escapism through dulling the pain through alcohol, drug use or pick-me-ups such as gambling are vain refuges. Escapism will not ultimately satisfy. It will only leave you carrying more dark feelings and emotional pain.
Alongside destroying the relationship sexual dysfunction seeks to destroy the individuals. Overwhelming feelings from within can include self-pity, despair and depression, bringing on an identity crisis. Questions such as Who am I? What is my purpose? have plagued our minds, shaking us and our faith to the very core. Parenthood, which seemed like a rite of passage, had evaded us. What was there to live for?
A String of Lights in the Darkness
We took a long time to learn. We learned the hard way. When you are at rock bottom there is only one place to look.
Up.
We were living in darkness because we were blind to our comforts. There was a place of refuge open to us all along. Psalm 46:1 tells us, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble”. We had turned our faces away from God, curled up and cried.
You can read part two of this post here.
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