What is it Like on the Other Side of Infertility? {Guest Post}

This is a guest post by Elizabeth Hagan.

What is it like on the other side of infertility?

Such is a question that folks ask me now after we brought our daughter home via adoption in 2016 ending an 8-year struggle to have children.

Then words follow like:

“Do you feel fixed now?”

“Welcome to parenting club.”

“Your happiness must now overflow! Aren’t you glad that hard season is over?”

Even though these comments from family and friends and readers of my book, Birthed: Finding Grace Through Infertility, are well-meaning, I still find them a little strange.

I find them strange because of three things I know for sure:

1. No one ever is “fixed” of their infertility.

Infertility is scar that will stay with me for life.

I will always be someone who will have a little PSTD anytime I go to the OBGYN for my yearly check-up when the questions start with “Do you ever want to have children?” I will always feel a little unease anytime someone tells me “I’m pregnant” even if they are my best friend. I will always have my heart sink when someone says to me: “I’ve miscarried” for all the memories will rush back.

A scar is not a bad thing, though. I’m so proud that the wounds infertility brought me have turned to scars. I like to think of my scars an open place in my heart where I can remember how much longed for motherhood and have empathy for those who know the same pain. It’s good to never be “fixed.”

2. No matter how your babies came to you, in the middle of the night you quickly learn you’re their mama.

A popular concern of prospective adoptive parents is: “Will I feel attached to him/ her?” or “How will it feel to raise a child that is not my own?” And this was my husband and my concern too. Adoption comes with complication emotions and challenges of its own to navigate.

But here is what I quickly learned: as soon as you’re the one doing the feedings, changing the diapers, kissing the cheeks and snuggling at bedtime—you’re the parent.

And the whole idea of “mine” or “not mine” quickly goes away. Sure, your child has first parents that you deeply respect for bringing him or her into the world, but the child is in your family. Every day they spend with you in your home and in your routines. And your heart is never the same.

Furthermore, because no matter biological and adopted, children are just children. They have needs. It is the job of the parent to meet them. Your bond grows as you enter the role and simply show up for one another. Love makes a family.

3. I need to keep talking about my infertility.

Last year, in a meeting with some leaders of Resolve, The National Infertility Association, they shared with me that few women still engage with them after they’ve completed their family. “It’s just too painful,” one executive told me. “Women want to move on and forget that infertility happened.”

But I disagree. As nice has it has been to enter the world of motherhood, I can’t forget that infertility happened to me. I can’t forget because of all of those who need encouragement in the struggle now.

One of my favorite Maya Angelou quotes is “When you learn: teach.”

Infertility was a powerful teacher in my life. I learned how strong I could be under the most difficult setbacks. I learned how important it was to ask for emotional, mental and spiritual help when I needed it. I learned perseverance— to not give up on my belief that I was made to be a mother.

This is why I’m still offering infertility resources over at my website and why I recently created a 30-week FREE EMAIL devotional about how to “Find New Life in Hard Places” especially with my infertility sisters in mind. And I would love to send it to you- check it out here.

Wherever you are in your infertility journey, take heart my friends. So many of us have gone before you. And there’s much grace on the other side. I believe as the Psalm says, goodness will find you in the land of the living.

Elizabeth Hagan’s day job is the pastor of a church in the Washington, DC area. She’s also the author of Birthed: Finding Grace Through Infertility and has contributed to several other Christian publications. She’s most proud to be Kevin’s wife and Amelia’s mother as well as the other children that have made their way into her lives through the orphan care foundation she also leads, Our Courageous Kids.