This is a guest post from Katie Navarra, an infertility patient and licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT). I asked Katie to share her infertility story and about how her planned IVF cycle has been affected by the COVID-19 virus and shutdown. Note: This post includes photos of Katie with her nieces, nephews, and godchild. Please be aware of this if it is difficult for you to see pictures of young children.
They are open 365 days a year – weekends, holidays, even Christmas and Easter. It seemed our treatments always fell on holidays and Sundays (and my husband is a Pastor!) Thanksgiving, New Years were two of our treatment dates, just to name a few. Amazed the staff was available EVERY SINGLE DAY…and then…COVID. Closed, shut down, no IVF treatment cycles would proceed for the indefinite future.
My name is Katie and this is the story of my husband, Dave, and I as we are journeying infertility during COVID. I’m sure many of you reading have a similar one, a level of shock that you and your spouse faced when you got the dreaded call from your Nurse Coordinator or Infertility office staff. I remember I was at work so the call went to voicemail, but I saw “Northern California Fertility Medical Center” ring on my phone. In that moment my heart began to drop because I knew exactly what they were calling to say. I stepped out of a session for work and listened to the voicemail on speaker phone with my husband, without choice, tears leaked out the corners of my eyes and I set my phone down, leaned against the wall, and became silent. “NO.” – I think that is the only word that my brain and body registered.
“NO” is no longer a word, it becomes a feeling for those going through infertility. Each month of TTC, each month of fertility treatment, when your next cycle starts or the pregnancy test shows negative, your brain and body just feel “NO.”
When COVID hit, it was a familiar “NO” but it was an unfamiliar “NO” at the same time. This “NO” was indefinite, unprecedented, and made it harder and harder to be patient because now there was no plan except “let’s wait and see what’s going on in the state of our world when your next cycle starts and we’ll take it from there.” This was luckily said with such compassion from the clinic staff, but no matter what, it was a hard “NO” that my body felt and my mind was trying to process.
After weeks of trying to process this news, although I’ll be honest, part of me has wanted to avoid thinking about it, journaling about it,or even praying about it…because it’s too hard to stomach. But once I allowed the wall to come down and process with my husband, he and I discovered we can still have HOPE for the future…it just looks different, it’s an anticipating HOPE, it’s a “Gods not done writing our story” kind of hope. It’s a “Israelites journey through the wilderness” kind of hope. The Israelities should have been able to get to the promised land from Egypt in 11 DAYS and it took 40 YEARS. Is that not what the journey to starting a family looks like when you are struggling through infertility? “God, what and why and how is this taking so long?”
In 2016 I had the most impactful moment during a worship moment when we lived overseas in Belgium. A group of us gathered and were singing “It is well with my soul” and the closest thing to an audible voice from God came to me and I knew it was a thought from the LORD, “Ok, it’s time, start a family.” I’d honestly been waiting for that because our years of married life had been so busy with graduate school journeys for both of us, full time ministry, work, and moving overseas, I wasn’t sure when we were supposed to start a family.
Never did I think that in 2020 we would still be trying to keep our eyes up and on the horizon for starting a family. Yet I will be honest, I’m not sure if it was God preparing my heart or what, but I had a feeling our TTC process would be challenging, that it would lead to treatment, and even once in treatment, that it would lead to IVF.
We’ve been working with an infertility clinic now for some time. We’ve done 4 rounds of IUI and we were mid-way into our IVF process when COVID regulations hit. We had paid, we had started meds, everything was charted and mapped out. You should see the closet doors in our extra bedroom – all taped up with Lisa’s charts planning everything out. I still wonder if I should take them down or leave them up. It’s an odd time in life, let alone infertility time.
My husband and I were fortunate enough to already be in contact with a marriage therapist before infertility struck our little unit of two. Not only am I a HUGE believer in therapy for individuals and couples because it is my profession, but we experienced it as so helpful to know that we had someone supportive in our lives who we could talk to about the hardest thing we’ve been through, infertility.
If you or your spouse is hesitant – whether it’s the thought of truly addressing it, fear of underlying issues emerging, questions like, “are they going to make me talk about my feelings or my childhood,” or even the financial investment…I will tell you…take the leap. Think of it as working on your mental fitness, think of the ways we take care of our cars and our homes, the way we write business plans for our work, this is an opportunity to invest in your marriage, your relationships, yourself…your future family will thank you!
It is important to do your research when finding a couples therapist. I would start by asking your infertility doctor for any referrals for someone who might specialize in this area. But do not be discouraged if you can’t find someone who specializes in this…a good therapist will be able to walk with you no matter your issue.
Another suggestion is to ask close friends you trust for a referral. They may have been themselves and had a great experience with a therapist or they may even know someone in their community or church who is a therapist.
Consider if a faith-based therapist is important to you. It was for us. Make sure they are a Licensed Therapist. Read websites and bios and when you speak with them over the phone, you can ask them how they feel about working through infertility issues. They should be willing to either say, “Yes, I am ready to walk with you in that” or “Hey, I have a colleague who specializes in that and would be a great fit, let me refer you to them.”
Katie’s Advice on How to Take Care of Yourself Emotionally, Physically, and Spiritually During Infertility
Physically: Prioritize your health. I sought out an acupuncturist who specializes in infertility. She discovered some additional supplements and treatments that could help my body prepare for pregnancy. Advocate for your health and your treatment with your doctors. Ask questions, seek answers, get blood tests for possible vitamins and mineral deficiencies. I found out I was deficient in B-12 and D, which are two important minerals for pregnancy. Eat healthy, take your vitamins. Make sure your prenatal is good quality and has the right levels. I had to add iron, calcium, and Vitamin D even with a great prenatal to get the levels my doctors want me personally taking daily.
Emotionally/Spiritually: I put these two together because they go in tandem for me. Individual and Marriage Therapy as essential, taking adventures and time alone with my husband, journaling (prayer journaling particularly), worship music, yoga, reading my Bible and a devotional DAILY because being in Scripture is KEY to staying grounded in the LORD. There is power in going outdoors, sitting in the sun, finding a new hike, or just a routine morning walk.
Relationally: Invest in meaningful relationships during infertility. This includes your marriage, family, friendships, and of course your relationship with God.
Marriage- I know my time with my husband during treatments has actually been precious. We both have to navigate leaving work and being “on-call” the weeks of treatment and we’ve come to really enjoy the unique time together. Our IUI treatments always involved a 2-hour wait between appointments, and we cherished our time at the local coffee shop down the street from the clinic reading, talking, praying between appointments.
Friendships– Don’t shy away from sharing with a few close friends that you can be honest with, and use a text chain for prayer updates during treatment.
Family- It has also been important to invest time and energy into the many nieces and nephews that fill our hearts. We’ve got 11 to love on, ranging from twins at age 2 to a 19 year-old college student! We pray over our godson, and we feel honored to be a part of his life as well. In this pursuit of our own children, these relationships are vital!
Hang in there friends. Although I don’t know you personally, I feel like anyone who is on this road is connected because it is an unexplainable reality that you cannot know or understand unless you have lived it or are living it.
Recently I have had the realization that this process of fertility mimics grief, the grief cycle has numerous emotions that you don’t necessarily go through in linear order, but more honestly, you zig-zag your way through, often a different emotion each day. I think I experienced a different emotional theme each month of TTC and even more during treatment. With this shift of treatment timing due to COVID, I realized I was trying to seek the “Acceptance” stage of grief so that I could handle this new reality, but by getting to “Acceptance” I felt like I was giving up hope that I would have children someday. It was then that I realized unlike the grief many of us know where you are grieving a life that has already lived and is now no longer with you, with infertility, you are grieving a life that has not yet lived and you are uncertain if this life will come to be and how. So, with my husbands help, we have shifted “Acceptance” to “We will Accept the choice to HOPE.”
Will you join me?
Blessings to you and your families and your future families. May the LORD bless you and keep you and cause His face to shine on you, no matter where you are in this journey.
Ending Note: I wrote this article for Lisa in the midst of shelter-in-place out here in California. Today as I send this article to Lisa, my infertility clinic shared they are now allowed to re-open their doors to IVF! I’m jumping up and down on one hand and the other hand is still in shock and questioning if it is real!
The reality is, whether the clinic is open or not, this journey is still full of uncertainties and the important part is processing through the ones we just experienced while embracing the ones we are walking into. With that said, I think it is still important to share our stories of the clinics closing during IVF treatments as a way to process and grieve the delay.
Katie’s Recommended Resources
Books
- Longing for Motherhood: Holding Onto Hope in the Midst of Childlessness by Chelsea Patterson Sobolik
- 31 Days of Prayer During Infertility by Lisa Newton
Websites
- FertilityIQ: – A review site specifically for reviewing fertility doctors. All reviews are verified to be from actual patients. There is also a TON of excellent information on infertility treatments.
- Lisa’s charts for planning IVF – so good! [Note from Lisa: Katie is referring to the IVF planning printables that are available in my Preparing for IVF eBook].
Songs
- Do it Again by Elevation Worship
- The Blessing by Elevation Worship. This song may bring tears, but it helps remember the promise.
- WayMaker by Leeland
- Raise a Hallelujah by Bethel Music
- What a Beautiful Name by Hillsong – This song can bring some serious comfort.
- It is Well With my Soul – by Audrey Assad. Wow, is this the goal!
Quotes
- “I still remember when I prayed for the thing I have now.” – Remember God’s faithfulness!
- “We cannot run if we cannot rest.” – Infertility is a run friends, we’ve all got to rest!
- “These mountains you are carrying, you were only meant to climb.”
- “The same sovereignty that could stop the storm we are in, yet doesn’t, is the very sovereignty that sustains the soul in it.” – Revised from John Piper
More important than quotes have been encouraging texts from friends. Invite 2-3 close people into this journey, let them pour scripture, prayer, and encouragement over you. I know it is often hard to receive, but now is the time!
Bible Verses
- May the Lord answer you in the day of trouble! May the name of the God of Jacob protect you! May he send you help from the sanctuary and give you support from Zion! May he remember all your offerings and regard with favor your burnt sacrifices! May he grant you your heart’s desire and fulfill all your plans! – Psalm 20:1-4
- For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you. – Isaiah 54:10
- For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.On God rests my salvation and my glory;my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all times, O people;pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Selah – Psalm 62:5-8
- Dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. – Psalm 37:3-5
- Go read the story of Hannah in 1 Samuel – She was the only woman in that time who went to the temple, who shared her struggle of infertility with the priest, she wept bitterly, she was the real deal. – 1 Samuel 1:20
Many thanks to Katie for sharing her story with us. If you’d like to find out more about her or connect with her, be sure to check out her website.
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