Learning to be Content During Infertility

This is a guest post from Jen. She blogs over at Contentment & Chaos. Funny story– Jen and I had sent a few emails back and forth about guest posting. I was excited to publish her post and then— GMAIL FAIL! I’m not sure what happened, but my emails from Jen disappeared. They weren’t in my trash. They weren’t in my Spam. Even my replies to her had disappeared from my “Sent” folder. I felt terrible because I had told her I would publish it, but I had no way of contacting her to let her know I lost her post. I couldn’t even remember her last name in order to search for her on social media. I was literally praying and asking the Lord to put it on her heart to email me again. A few weeks later, she contacted me and I’m soo glad. She was very gracious and understanding. I hope you’ll enjoy her post as much as I did!

Learning to be Content During Your Struggle with Infertility

I remember thinking about two years ago—when we first started “trying”—that I was bound to get pregnant around the same time as one of my six closest friends who I knew were also starting to try or going to start trying in a few months. At least our pregnancies would overlap at some point, I figured. The odds were just in our favor. I mean, why wouldn’t that happen? (Not to mention – how FUN!! Swapping pregnancy woes and then having play dates?)

I’m embarrassed to say that by the time the sixth couple excitedly told us they were expecting, I smiled and congratulated them with a pit in my stomach and double-checked with my husband on the way home: “I sounded really excited, right?”

But that wasn’t even the low point.

Another friend who I hadn’t even considered would get pregnant anytime soon texted me her announcement later that week, and as I responded: “YAYAYA! SO excited for you! When are you due?” with tears streaming down my face, I began to wonder what was wrong with me.

Not the kind of “What’s wrong with me why can’t I get pregnant?” wrong-with-me-kind-of-question, but the “What’s wrong with me why can’t I just be happy for other people?” wrong-with-me-kind-of-question.

This isn’t a question about why good things happen to bad people, either—because then I could comfort myself by thinking about how they’re receiving their good gifts here on earth while I’ll be getting mine in heaven (thank you very much). But no—these are good things happening to good, Christian people—my friends—who, I’m sure, will also be getting their treasures in heaven. But (insert whiny voice here) why can’t I be the one receiving treasures in heaven and treasures on earth like everyone else?

Sigh.

I realize I’ve asked that question before. Dozens – hundreds – of times, really. No, not that one, exactly, but one just like it:

God, why can’t I have _____ like everyone else?

Somewhere, at some point during this whole infertility “journey” (I hate that word), without me even realizing it, it became more about me and other people and less about me and God. It became more about me panicking that my friends are going to get pregnant now for the second time when we started trying before them for our first. It became about how unfair this all is. It became about the comparison.

And then God tells me, “What’s with all this comparing and competing? You already have all you need.” [1 Corinthians 4:7, the msg]

My problem is envy.

I’m beginning to realize that oftentimes my problem isn’t discontentment with my infertility, really. My problem is envy. My problem is comparing my story to everyone else’s. I’m saying to God, “Jesus isn’t enough for me to be content. I need something else, and I desperately need it to be what all of my friends have.”

Here’s how God responds to that:

“Don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there.” [1 Corinthians 7:17, the msg]

God, “I’m still working on it.”